Holy Fucking Mother of PIP!

This lady showed up for me last night at the Tori concert:

and can I just say Holy Fucking Mother! She was the one Doll that I really wanted to see and it being the Vic Theater, I knew for sure she was coming! This is a wonderful photo Bullocks Troy took of this amazing, angry, confident, Babe In Total Control of Herself while performing - with the BAND - and PROPS!! - the song Me and A Gun. That's right ladies and gents, Ms. Pip sang the famous song from Little Earthquakes, that I SWEAR I read she was never going to sing again. To say that I feel blessed to have been at this show is an UNDERSTATEMENT. Honored. ?? There just aren't words. I told a friend that if I never see her live again, I can die happy. But that isn't really a truth. I will always go see my lady because if she wants to play for me, I will gladly, happily listen. I thank you, Ms. Tori for giving me your talent, your art, your music and your best as always!

My Lady

So this past weekend, I drove my own damn self to another STATE to see my lady, Ms. Tori Amos. It was so WORTH IT!!! I am a virgin driver, having only gotten my license this past April so this was quite the road trip for me...but it really had to be done and what better excuse than to see my favorite artist?

This wonderful girl appeared for me that night:

Clyde.

She is pretty fierce for such shy girl. I liked her very much. There were lots of girls from the first record (well, technically the second, but I mean the first REAL record, and I bet Ms. Amos would agree), and it was SO great to hear them!! I missed them and I didn't even know I missed them, which made the night very bittersweet. But more sweet than bitter, as always. Tonight, I'm hoping for Isabel. Then Pip tomorrow. That would be my ideal, but whoever feels like expressing herself tonight, I will be happy to see them. Tori has this amazing gift to play just for me, and every single member of the audience can say the same thing. Lovely. Thank you!

Unconscious Life

I'm constantly amazed at how many people live an unconscious life. How can they? How can they wake up every morning and not know WHY they are getting out of bed? Granted, having to pee is what gets me out of bed ususally, but I mean WHY on a philosophical scale.

I have been asking "Why?" since I was about 2. People ususally don't believe me when I say that, but it's true. My first memory is from when I was 2, when Elvis died. I remember asking my mom how Elvis could be on TV if he had died. Apparently the concept of death, not hard for me, but the concept of VIDEO seemed to elude me. Go figure. But I swear that was the same time I became introspective. I started thinking about life and death and I learned death was a bad thing. Although now I don't feel that way. I remember once when I was 9 I realized that I was living in my body. I could separate me from my body. I remember thinking, I'm in this body and other people are in their bodies. Like some alien inhabiting a host form or something. Who thinks about this shit when they are NINE?? Me, I guess.

So now at 32/33/30something it amazes me that some folks can walk around completely unaware of their own existence. Unaware of how their energy affects the world, unaware of how every thought and action has consequences for everyone. Just plain unaware.

Not Crazy, and Very Sexy

This lady, Kris Carr, is one of the most amazing ladies I have ever encountered. We should all know her, know her mission and know her truth. I mean, doesn't her spirit and energy come through in this photo? It is so rare to find someone like this.....





I saw her on an episode of Oprah this week, along with this man, Randy Pausch. It was supposed to be an episode on dying, but it was really an episode on living. Kris isn't dying any more than we are all dying, but she is LIVING. They are both living in a way that I know is possible, but can't quite seem to get to. And I don't want some fatal disease to jolt me into action. I think I WILL take that pilates class that I wanted to take. I WILL do that yoga that I want to do when I get home from my day at a desk. And I will MAKE ART. That has been on my list for ages now and although this is a form of my art, its not my main art. I'm visual. I'm documenting. I'm making still moments. That is my real art. So now I'm thinking that idea of having a creative board in my dining room isn't so crazy after all. It's downright SEXY.

THOSE days

I hate this expression sometimes, but this is one of THOSE days. Like everyone was just in my way today, and it might be the hormones, it might be the retrograde, it might just be me, but dang, it was EVERYWHERE. The bus is almost empty and you choose to sit HERE? Why? I avoid a car, that is trying to avoid me, so we don't end up avoiding eachother at all. Why? Its been like when you are walking down the street and someone is walking towards you and you both move to the left to avoid eachother, and then the right, left, right, left, BAH! One of THOSE days. Sigh.

I mean, Whats a Girl To Do??

Fall

So the vaca was super fun;


Just to prove I was there, you know.
But now fall is here and oh how I love my fall. I realize its all a hormonal thing but still fall is the most energy saturated time for me. The equinox, Halloween. It is MY time. The faery time. The spirit time. Lets see if motivation is hiding here...
The Mercury retrograde thing is gonna mess things up, but big I fear. But September was calmer than normal I think. Maybe because its still fucking 80 degrees out there, I mean OCTOBER people. I'm just saying.
And then there is this lady who I will see in just a few short (!) weeks! How very excited am I? Very. Can't wait to meet the dolls, especially Pip, she is musically my favorite, but I am most like Isabel, documenting. I'm obsessed with documenting. But lately I have found that I cannot document what I am looking to document. The moment cannot be documented, only an image of it. It's just not fair.

Losing Summer

So I realized the other day that I have exactly 3 free weekends left until SEPTEMBER. Oh where does this blissful summer go? On the plus side, I have a rockin' Vaca planned which is what is taking up the weekends. I can't really complain about that. Can you guess where?

And many other cities as well. A lot of walking is ahead of me. I think I may invest in some new walking shoes. I am going to be such a tourist, alas.

Chris

Hmmm. I have been off this blog thing for a few days now. I drift in and out of writing moods. This past week I was a very busy social butterfly, I'm sure that contributed to my non writing mood. I am usually quite a home-body and have to make myself go out and see people. Sometimes I think I even get a tad agoraphobic. Although, I suppose that is dramatic to say. I'm not nearly that bad, and I do go out because one of my biggest fears is to not have friends. My mother didn't have friends for a long time and even now, she has few. This would be a disaster for me. I am far too insecure to not have people around who I know for sure like me.

I visited one of my favorite sites today. It is for a boy I knew in college. He was the one who got away. He is a photographer here now and I believe he has done very well for himself. I think about him now and again and I go to his site to see what new photos he has made. His photos are amazing to me. I always used to tell him he had a great talent. It makes me a bit melancoly when I visit his site. Partially because he is my GREATEST regret, partially because I do not feel that girl is me anymore, and sometimes I deeply miss her, but also because he doesn't know. He doesn't know that I am here, watching his progress, hoping he is happy and successful in all that he does. He doesn't know he has his own private cheerleader.

Obsession

I am currently massively, intensely obsessed with the band MUSE and their album Blackholes and Revelations. It is, to me, the love child of Radiohead and Queen. It is, to me, a very fuckable album.

Listen: http://www.muse.mu/index.php

My favorite is "Map of the Problematique". The best video I have seen in years is "Knights of Cydonia".

Originate

I recently saw an article in O mag about adoption and a mother's story of meeting her daughter's birth mother. There was a pull out quote that said:

"I feel deep regret that I couldn't originate my children." - Carol Brennan

This statement has been haunting me for days. I have many many problems with it on many levels.

First, how can you feel regret for something you are physically unable to do?
Regret to me is a choice. It is the remorse felt after making a choice you now believe to be the wrong choice. How is being unable to "originate" children a choice? Now, I did not read this article, so it is possible somewhere in there, she confesses to committing some terrible crime against her body which resulted in her being unable to make children, I don't know. But my guess is, she does not.

Second, WHY? Why does she feel this regret?
I am convinced, especially now that I am in my 30s, that I am missing the "I must create and birth my own children!" gene. This task is nowhere to be found on my list, despite my desire (although weak at this point) to RAISE a child. I am a realist on many levels and I have the (apparently, unique) ability to look at my genes and wonder which of my biological traits should be passed on. I have a feeling, however, that this is not on the minds of those who are trying to conceive. Why not? Shouldn't it be? Shouldn't we all be more aware of the choices we make, including this one? Does the mother of a serial killer accept the responsibility for what their child has done? She "originated" him/her after all! What traits in her and the father were passed on to cause this? Ok, that's a tangent, and I will end it here. Basically, I'm saying, I don't see what is so bad, or deeply "regretful", about not being able to make offspring and having to adopt. It seems a fine option to me.

Marie Antoinette

"The problem of leisure, what to do for pleasure? This heaven gives me migraine."
Natural's Not In It- Gang of Four

I think about this everytime I want a different life. My struggle is what makes my life alive.

Shrinking Shrink

So is it bad when your own shrink is pissed at you? All the marijuana kicked in and I forgot about an appointment 2 saturdays ago. Ooops. *BUT* I did call and fess up to my lame forgetfullness. However, this is what concerns me. I have yet to hear from said shrink. If memory serves, (and it seems pretty obvious that its only master is the jester), I have done this once before, and so has she. Yep thats right folks, SHE forgot about an appointment once. And I'm cool with that, yeah...
Anyway, watching japanimation animondays on SciFi. I'm so into all things japan now, after going recently. Shibuya! One of the coolest countries I have ever been to, hands down. And I have been to one, two, three, four, hmm TWELVE countries. Cool, I never counted before. I recently saw this amazing photographic exhibit at the Modern Art museum, and it had this crazy piece by a Japanese artist. It was not a photograph, however, and we were all wondering why it was in the exhibit, but I didn't care, because I LOVED it. Must find that artist....
Chiho Aoshima! The title of the piece I saw was "Sublime Grave Dweller Shinko".
This picture doesn't do it justice, because it was very L O N G ...and many more elements to it. The best part was this tiny bubble of words..it said something about Shinko and how gross she was, but at the same time, "We all still love Shinko!" Man, it was just SO Japanese to me! Love it!

To Photograph

So I am in the midst of redecorating ? for the last 8 mos that is. I have finally made my choice, I believe, in the pictures on-the-wall-marketplace. As an artist it is equally difficult to show your work and to not show your work, opting instead for another artist. But I believe I can bow out to a, shall we say, more experienced, artist.
I have chosen Sally Mann.


Her photographs are so beautiful. Large format masterpieces.
Some have called them controversial, but I only see the beauty. A Beauty that seems only evident to those that know the shapes, not just the ideas we humans have created to make us feel safe.

New camera pics. Can you guess where I am?


I am full on in love with my new camera. It is a piece of beautiful machinery. All silver, and slightly heavy, which gives it this real feel. I am in love.

Pretend Pretense

So far this blog has been a little *ahem* pretentious. Sometimes I am in the mood for pretense, and sometimes I want to take the piss out of myself. This is one of those days.

I received my new camera today, so I will have some pics up soon. It will direct your attention to my city. I love my city, but I love some others more. London is where my heart currently resides. It is interesting to live here when your heart lives there.

A collegue in my office today shaved his head. He is most private, but somedays he comes in and gives us these great small glimpses into his life. Shaved. It looks good, but then again, I have always liked the shaved head.

Becoming.

I want to become. Becoming: noun: Aristotelianism. any change involving realization of potentialities, as a movement from the lower level of potentiality to the higher level of actuality.

I thought I had a witness...

I'm losing you, in my RearView.
I don't want to lose you so I'm writing. I'm writing to keep you in my headlights.
Maybe we can see eachother again someday. Maybe if I keep writing.